Now, I don't want to criticize anyone for playing or watching it, because soccer is a fine sport that certainly requires much individual skill and precision teamwork in order to be successful.
And while fans of soccer tend to get a little crazy, usually in European countries where that sport is king, I don't have any particular beef with them, either.
I'm just saying that this sport is not for me and many other Americans who love football, basketball, baseball, golf, tennis or racing.
My problem with soccer is that it doesn't provide what we have come to expect in our sports; in other words, there have to be emotional and personal attachments involved in addition to the action on the field or court, which also must be exciting.
Soccer simply doesn't supply those elements to casual longtime fans in this country who are accustomed to something more.
Now, I have tried to be a patriotic American and pull for our U.S. team during the World Cup competition now under way in South Africa, and watched each of its games so far -- both of which ended in ties. Woo-hoo!
But while viewing the World Cup action, I have been reminded yet again of the inherent obstacles that are in soccer's way of having universal appeal in the United States.
Being one who would rather light a candle than curse the darkness, I once again assembled my crack team of researchers to devise several proposed changes to make World Cup soccer more enjoyable from fans' point of view.
Here are the results:
1. Substitute pretty girls in bikinis for all goalkeepers -- A girl certainly would be more aesthetically pleasing than the ugly, bald man who might be your team's goalie.
Also, this one simple step would remedy another of soccer's major failings: the lack of scoring. No wonder an announcer will yell "GOAL!" at the top of his lungs when someone actually does manage to get the ball in, since he has so few opportunities to do so.
Seeing only two, one or maybe even no scores during a game, which often occurs in soccer, would be totally unacceptable in any top American sport. Soccer is dominated by extended sequences of guys kicking the ball back and forth, for which I have two words: Bo-Ring!
However, if there's a pretty girl in a bikini tending the goal, players are going to (a) work harder to get the ball there, which will increase scoring opportunities, and (b) the fact the girl is not going to be as good at the position as the ugly bald guy means she'll give up more goals.
2. Inject some personality into soccer -- It might be about the game itself, or the team, but it's also about the individual personalities as far as appreciating a particular activity. Certain athletes such as LeBron James, Kobe Bryant or Kyle Busch sometimes seem bigger than a sport itself, because of the people they are as well as their talent.
Soccer, however, lacks such a personal connection. I would not be able to pick one member of the U.S. soccer team out of a police lineup or know any of the players if I bumped into them on the street.
To accomplish my No. 2 goal, I would arrange "personality coaching" for soccer players by the likes of Ric Flair, Charles Barkley, Shaquille O'Neal, Hulk Hogan and Terrell Owens. Perhaps if soccer athletes are taught to brag about themselves and talk smack about opponents, if would make their sport more interesting.
I'm not saying soccer should be more like pro wrestling, but you can't deny the popularity of the latter, which is mostly because of the soap opera-like human drama surrounding wrestlers.
3. Assuming that soccer players can't be taught how to brag or talk smack properly, add a "guest player" program -- Recognizing that soccer now has no well-known players, this initiative would involve having an athlete from some other sport participate in every soccer game to add a name-recognition factor. It could be a Peyton Manning, an Alex Rodriguez or a Reggie Bush -- someone we at least know.
Those guys definitely have enough natural athletic ability to run around out there on the soccer field as well as anyone, and the camera close-ups monitoring their movements throughout the contest would at least allow us a sense of familiarity.
4. Provide more time-outs or breaks during soccer telecasts -- Again, we longtime sports fans are accustomed to a certain rhythm to our games, including frequent pauses in the action for commercials which allow us to go get food or beverages or whatever. Soccer goes on continuously for 45 minutes, then there is a halftime and another 45 minutes of non-stop action. It doesn't conform too well with our deeply ingrained routine, built on years of practice.
In making all these recommendations, I simply am trying to enhance soccer by adding the entertainment element that is such a huge part of the sports world today. If athletic achievement alone were the key, decathlons would be televised every night.
Of course, I imagine that all the soccer purists out there will immediately want to line me up against the wall to face a firing squad of penalty kicks. But hey, I'm just seeing soccer for what it is and what it could be.
I once interviewed a guy who told me that in another 10 years, soccer would be the No. 1 sport in the United States. Well, that was 20 years ago.
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