Last week, I took advantage of my press pass and took a friend to see I Love Lucy: Live on Stage at TPAC. If you get a chance, it really was fantastic; try to see this show before it closes on Feb 2.
I always liked the original TV series. And when I say always, I mean that someone showed a bunch of episodes to me on DVD, about fifty years after the show had finished airing. I was immediately won over. Everybody does love Lucy, even if they came on board a little late to enjoy her the first time around.
In honor of this show, I decided to sit down and write the pilot script for a renewal of I Love Lucy, adapted for the year 2014. I plan to send it off to CBS to see if it flies; I’ll tell them that this pilot ‘features a return to the age-old values that I Love Lucy celebrated, but is updated to appeal to today’s viewing audience.’
I Love Lucy in 2014
Setting: Apartment, day. Lucy enters. Ricky is sitting at the television set, playing a violent video game.
Lucy: Ricky! Oh, Ricky! Oh, there you are, Ricky! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!
Ricky doesn’t respond. He unloads three rounds of ammo into an opponent.
Lucy: Oh, Ricky, I do wish that you would talk to me, and let me buy that hat, and let me join your act at the Tropicana, and stop playing mind-leaching video games all day long…
Fred and Ethel enter.
Ethel: Hiya, Lucy! What’s cookin?
Lucy (cries): Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.
Ethel: Oh, don’t cry, Lucy! What’s the matter?
Lucy (stops): Ricky won’t stop playing video games. They’ve fired him at the Tropicana and now he just sits around the house in a wife-beater drinking beer and trying to beat the third level of Assassin’s Creed IV!
Ethel: Well, that’s just awful, Lucy. What’ll we do?
Lucy: I don’t know! If only we could get him out of the house long enough, we could throw away the Xbox and stage an intervention. Oh, oh …wait a second!
Ethel: Lucy, I think you’re cooking up an idea!
Fred (still hasn’t looked up from his iPhone): Well, count me out; I don’t want any part of your harebrained schemes.
Ethel: Now, Fred, you better help us out or I’ll finally get that no-fault divorce that you’ve been fishing for since 1952 but has only been legal since 1969. (live studio laughter)
Later that day… Ricky enters apartment
Ricky: Lucy! Say, Lucy!
Lucy enters from the kitchen.
Lucy: Yes, dear!
Ricky: Hey! My Xbox! It’s gone! And I only left the house because I had an uncontrollable craving for three McRib sandwiches… and I dun’t remember you ever being so encouraging about me giving in to fast food, Lucy… Hey! ….Luuuuucy? What did you do, Lucy?
Lucy (whines): Oh, Ricky! What was I supposed to do? I didn’t know how to get you to stop playing Grand Theft Auto, and our unemployment checks were starting to run out, Ricky!
Fred and Ethel enter, with man in doctor’s outfit.
Ricky: Luuucy… is this another one of your tricks?
Lucy: Ricky, it’s for your own good!
[This part of the script is unfinished, but the intervention is successfully carried out and Ricky, after a few months of rehab, decides that he was better off without the games after all.]
Ricky: I love you, Lucy. You are a crazy girl, and (sings) sometimes we quarrel but then, how we love to make up again…
Lucy: Don’t sing, baby. This is not a musical anymore. Modern audiences couldn’t handle you breaking into song multiple times an episode.
Ricky: All right, darling. Keess me.
They kiss. Credits.